On What Matters
"But I wanted to play it all back to see what shape it would take once written down. I wanted to play it back, sometimes fast-fowarding, sometimes pausing to explore half-remembered faces, feelings and events, to find out how things crystallized, to unearth what really remained."- Michael Peppiatt, Paris, May 2018
I picked up this book on a whim in Lily Library today because the title was The Existential Englishman, and I was feeling the beginnings of another existential crisis coming on. I had just had lunch with my history professor in what was a wonderful conversation where we talked about his life path, my future plans, bioethics, encountering strange characters in rural Arizona, and Yellowstone National Park. His class has helped me break down and structure large and complex problems in a formulaic way: through the lens of power, politics, property and profits. I feel that many seemingly large and entangled issues can be mapped out on a multi-dimensional plane. A few words he said have stuck with me. First, that it is important not what we want to do but who we want to be. Second, that I am at the beginning what will be a great adventure. I left the lunch with a renewed sense of peace and optimism.
Today it is raining. And the smell of rain makes me feel sentimental. I am not generally a sentimental person, but this semester I sometimes experience intense moments of emotion at different times and in different places around campus. Sitting under the dim light of a brass lamp in Lily. Looking up at the chapel in the backdrop of a purple sunset. Bopping my head to late-night music in West Union, when the crowds are gone. It is during my most sentimental moments that I feel the pace of life slow down, and sometimes experience the glimpse of fuzzy clarity and joy. Today has been a good day. I feel reassured and happy, and that is enough.
What I want to do is still a hard question that I am not sure will be answered anytime soon. Who I want to be is a profoundly more substantial, and equally hard question that I must answer every day. I am glad that I have this blog to reflect on my journey to those answers.
I picked up this book on a whim in Lily Library today because the title was The Existential Englishman, and I was feeling the beginnings of another existential crisis coming on. I had just had lunch with my history professor in what was a wonderful conversation where we talked about his life path, my future plans, bioethics, encountering strange characters in rural Arizona, and Yellowstone National Park. His class has helped me break down and structure large and complex problems in a formulaic way: through the lens of power, politics, property and profits. I feel that many seemingly large and entangled issues can be mapped out on a multi-dimensional plane. A few words he said have stuck with me. First, that it is important not what we want to do but who we want to be. Second, that I am at the beginning what will be a great adventure. I left the lunch with a renewed sense of peace and optimism.
Today it is raining. And the smell of rain makes me feel sentimental. I am not generally a sentimental person, but this semester I sometimes experience intense moments of emotion at different times and in different places around campus. Sitting under the dim light of a brass lamp in Lily. Looking up at the chapel in the backdrop of a purple sunset. Bopping my head to late-night music in West Union, when the crowds are gone. It is during my most sentimental moments that I feel the pace of life slow down, and sometimes experience the glimpse of fuzzy clarity and joy. Today has been a good day. I feel reassured and happy, and that is enough.
What I want to do is still a hard question that I am not sure will be answered anytime soon. Who I want to be is a profoundly more substantial, and equally hard question that I must answer every day. I am glad that I have this blog to reflect on my journey to those answers.
Comments
Post a Comment